Update*

So, it's been almost a month since Zachary was born and passed. It has been pretty tough....thankfully I had Gary by my side the whole time...our church family and our florida family has been soooo helpful.

Gary and I are thanking God every day for blessing us with Zachary because even though he didnt make it he brought us so much joy in just the 6 months that he was inside me. It's funny b/c I just felt like I knew what his personality was going to be...like he made me laugh in utero.

So, now Gary and I are trying again...I mean, the first one was so beautiful that we know we make cute babies... :) And, I have faith that we'll get to keep the next one.

Thank you everyone for all your prayers. We really appreciate them.

The hardest ever

*This is by far the hardest thing to post about...but I just feel like it's good for me to get it out.*

Wednesday morning I woke up having contractions....so I called gary and told him that I thought I was going into labor....he hurried home and we went up to the hospital....we waited in the waiting area for an hour before they saw me.....then they had me in this little room for another hour and a half all by myself because they wouldnt let Gary be back there with me....it was abosolutly horrible!!!!!!! By then I was having full blown contractions every 2-4 mins...and they were hard!!!! Finally they checked me and in a half an hour I went from 2 cm to 7 cm...So, they wheeled me to labor and delivery...and started me on pain meds....it was the best thing ever!!!!!!!! Instantly the pain was gone and I could sleep....well, by Wed night my contractions had completly stopped and I stayed at 7 cm dialated....They gave me two rounds of steroid shots to help develop Zachary's lungs...and by Thursday night they moved me to antipartum....and they took me off the ivs...and just kept monitoring me....So, Thursday-Saturday I was doing really well...Zachary was moving around a lot and his heart beat was so strong....By saturday night I started bleeding really badly....the doctor came in and checked me and said that I had completly efaced and dialated and that I needed to start pushing...so, once again they wheeled me to labor and delivery.....I just remember laying there thinking, "this is it...we are having him tonight." It was a very tough feeling to have...So, I asked to have an epidural...and they were gonna do that but then Zach's heart beat started to drop so they told me that I needed to just start pushing....So, I probably pushed for 20 mins....and Zach kept tilting his head so he kept coming out with his shoulder and arm...and not head....That was probably the hardest thing to see my son's hand...and in the back of my mind I just knew that this was not going to be the ending that we wanted. So, then they decided that they were going to probably have to do a c-section....so they prepped me...and I guess as soon as they put me under my body relaxed enough and they got Zach out.....They tried to get him to breath for 15 mins and Gary just told them to stop...b/c his lungs just hadnt developed enough...and they told us that even if I had carried him full term his lungs still wouldnt have been developed b/c he'd been without fluid for so long. (My water broke at 17 weeks...and I delivered him at 22 weeks) So, Gary got to help baptise him...and Gary and I got to spend 2 hours with Zachary....When Gary handed him to me I felt him take a couple breaths and then I just knew that he was at peace....He was so tiny but so perfect....He had 10 fingers and 10 toes and he looked just like Gary. It was so incredible to hold him and see God's creation.

Gary and I are doing ok....I def have my moments....and this is probably the hardest thing that I've ever had to endure....but I do know that God is on our side and that does make it a lot better...and when it's time we will try again...and I have faith that it'll all work out...Time heals all wounds. And, Gary and I WILL see Zachary again.

*Prayer*

*Such a prayer offered in FAITH will heal the sick, and the Lord will make you well. And, if you have committed any sins, you will be forgiven.* ~James 5:15

*It is so hard to step out on faith. But, I feel like I'm doing really well with it. (for now) Every day I try to give Zach to God...even though I just want to be selfish and try to do things on my own...but I know that's not the way. It's very impressive to see how GOD works though...

On Thursday we went into the doctors and we had an ultra-sound done, and the outcome was so amazing and encouraging!!!! We went from 0 fluid, to 2 cm of fluid, to 5 cm in 2 weeks. God is sooooo good....I am just continuously amazed by his faithfulness and love!

*There's a silver lining*

"I am thine, O Lord Iave

heard Thy voice,

And it told Thy love to me;

But I long to rise in the arms

of faith,

And be closer drawn to Thee.

Draw me nearer, nearer,

blessed Lord,

To the cross where Thou

hast died;

Draw me nearer, nearer,

nearer, blessed Lord,

To Thy precious, bleeding side.

O, the pure delight of a

single hour

That before Thy throne I spend,

When I kneel in prayer, and

with Thee, my God.

I commune as friend

with friend!"

I dont even know

"When troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing NOTHING."
~James 1:1-4

*I'm not really sure how to feel about this passage....I'm thinking that it should somehow comfort me...but at the same time it confuses me. Because everyone knows that when you are faced with trials and tribulations the last thing you wanna do is rejoice! But, then I think that with God every day should be full of joy. Every day, I beleive, has to be a consious choice to be happy and thank God for another day. I NEED to thank God every day that I have with Zachary, every day that I feel him move, every time I see him on the ultra-sound screen. And, the hardest thing of all is knowing that this whole thing is so far out of my hands! There is NOTHING I can do...other than love this little baby and continue to have FAITH that God has this whole thing in His hands. I am learning that I need to sit back and let God take control....it's just hard not to grab the wheel every once in a while.*